From Infertility to Adoption: Knowing When to Move Forward

When is the right time to move from infertility to adoption ? When do you emotionally feel ready ? Will you ever feel ready and must move forward with other ways of creating your forever family ! Mardie Caldwell , through her personal experience and over 20 years of working with couples nation - wide , has made it her life ' s work to bless children needing forever adoptive parents . < br />< br />< br > Question How do couples decide to move forward in adoption as opposed to doing donor embryo or IVF ? < br > We just had our third try with IVF with my own eggs . Our doctor told us that I was a poor responder and the quality of my eggs is not good . He said our only options are either with donor embryo or adoption . I am just trying to work through the loss of both a dream and of the babies we fertilized and trying to decide the best direction for us . I still have such a passionate desire to " carry life " in me , but I am not sure if that will go away once I start the adoption process or adopt . Does it ? My fear with trying donor embryo is if it doesn ' t work , can I take another " failure " after all our losses . My fear with adoption is that it might take years or the adoption might keep falling through . My only experience with adoption is a co - worker with an older child adoption that has not been good . I realize there is no guarantee with either path , but it is such a difficult decision , I am curious as to what led other adoptive parents to their decisions . < br />< br > Mardie ' s reply : We decided that it was more important for us to be parents than to be pregnant . My biological clock was ticking , and we had to decide what we wanted most in our family . < br />< br > We moved from infertility to adoption and then after our first adoption of our son , we tried some mild infertility treatments again . We didn ' t have a lot of money to do extensive infertility drugs or procedures . < br /> So , we decided that adoption was right for us . The decision to adopt came surprisingly easy to both of us . We always wanted to adopt someday regardless of whether or not we had any biological children . So , it was a true blessing for us . < br > The desire you mentioned about " carrying life " inside of you is natural , and I think most women desire to conceive and see their pregnancy go to term and deliver a healthy baby . I still had that when we adopted . I don ' t necessarily think it wrong to have that feeling . < br /> We have suffered seven pregnancy losses . We have experienced infertility , miscarriages , a fetal demise , and a tubal pregnancy with twins . In between the losses , we did have one full term birth of our daughter . It is a hard call . I have always told my adoptive parents that they need to work on creating their family , and if they want to try infertility treatments while trying to adoptive parents , they should . I just couldn ' t imagine using birth control when trying to adopt after all the effort of attempting to get pregnant , and I ' ve never felt I should ask my prospective adoptive parents to do something I wouldn ' t do . < br />< br > Just a few years ago my OB - GYN gently said to me , " Mardie , why are you doing this to your body ?" in reference to all the pregnancies and then losing them . I know he just didn ' t understand the desire to give it one last try . A few months later he discovered pre - cancerous cells in my uterus , and I underwent a hysterectomy shortly after that . Knowing I would never carry a child again was difficult . < br /> Even with my " oven " ( or as my daughter calls it her " first home ") gone , I still have moments when I experience " signs of pregnancy " and forget it is not possible for me to carry a baby . After so many years of wanting and trying and planning for babies , old habits are hard to break . < br />< br > I counsel prospective adoptive mothers to pray that if God doesn ' t want you to be a mother , He would take the desire away . For me , the desire didn ' t leave me , and we adopted our son . You need to be honest with each other and find a medical professional whom you can trust . The chances of success in adoption are so much greater than with infertility treatments . When comparing the cost of infertility treatments and the cost of adoption , you will discover more help in financing and grants for adoption than infertility . Though the emotional ups and downs are about the same , they vary depending on the adoption route you take . Needless to say , when you look down at a child in your arms and those beautiful eyes are peering back up at you , and you know you are a mom - well , that is priceless . < br />< br >
Author: Mardie Caldwell, C.O.A.P

Previous article: 21 February 2007 | Home